Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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