I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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