Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
