I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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