Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
