Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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