Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
