Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
