your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
