Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
