dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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