What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
