After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
