Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
