I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
