I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
