She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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