If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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