Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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