Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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