You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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