12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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