You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize