Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
