i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
