His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
