I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
