My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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