i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize