jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
