my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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