Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
