How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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