I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
