I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
