i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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