I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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