Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It's official drugs can't kill me
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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