I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
