It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
