i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
