I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
