his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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