My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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