I'm so fucking centered right now
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
