Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
