forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
