Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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