Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
