I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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