the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize