My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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