I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
