I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
