Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
