My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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