Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
