I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
