is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
