In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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