i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize