I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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